Let me describe how this weekend made me feel: hopeless, weak, like I wanted to scratch my eyeballs and ears out so that I could not sense what was around me. I felt numb, I lacked compassion for my clients, I had no understanding, everything they whined about was so stupid! I wanted to throw pie or rotten tomatoes at their faces. But you know what? Their problems are so important and real to them, and so unreal to me.
Ute fan was upset that another resident knew her age and told Ute fan that she was the same age. I wanted to scream, "BIG DEAL STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD. THERE ARE A MILLION PEOPLE THAT EXACT SAME AGE" even though I know mentally she is a child and does not understand.
Hello Kitty was upset that another client (Grumpy) said she looked like a boy. I wanted to say, "well, Hello Kitty, that's cause you do look like a boy" but instead I said "Well, Grumpy had low blood sugar and she is not very nice when her blood is low, so I am sure she didn't mean it".
See lately, in my head, I am thinking something completely different and mean, but outwardly I try so hard to say something appropriate and positive.
I should have let myself cry today. It would have been good therapy.
It's my fault I feel this way. I let things build up until I start despising the people around me who make my life a tiny bit hard sometimes. I despise my teachers for giving me homework. I despise Sharma for having a bladder, and having to take her out to potty in which she drags me everywhere and will never learn to walk appropriately on a leash. I despise my clients for having an easy life and putting the brunt of their emotions on my shoulders. I despise other's blooming photography businesses while I don't know what direction mine is going. I hate pretty blogs. Mine is ugly and no one reads it except Elizabeth Downie : ) thank you.
I pretty much don't like anyone this week, and scream negative thoughts at them in my head, but send them fake smile.
Okay, so back to the original topic (it's my blog so I can jump around however I want to!):
So I am slumped in my chair, in strolls Blondie. I give her her pill before she threatens me with a banana. To my astonishment she happily takes her pill and goes to her room. Doesn't even beg me to make dinner AND IT'S 3:00!! Later she came in and said she loved me and gave me one of her signature awkward, 2 feet apart, pat on the back hugs!
Hello Kitty was in a cheerful mood.
Ute fan was in a cheerful mood with a minor upset, and still followed directions.
Grumpy came over to get her pill with out a fight, and didn't yell at me.
Even Mr. Farley was in a happy mood. As he was up getting his meds he joked with me that he was gonna throw a glass plate in a drive way and wasn't going to pick it up. He giggled and grinned. Then he says "I love you Val". "Wanna know why?" "because I got my toe nails clipped and I was brave". I thought that was such a great complement coming from Mr. Farley, I felt special that he loves me".
Today was a more successful day than most and had I been in a happier mood, I could have enjoyed it more. I thought it was going to be hard and that the day couldn't get better, but it did and I am a little more chipper because of my clients, and maybe because my husband said, when I got home, that he just wanted to hug me, that felt nice.
If you're reading this...I probably thought something mean about you. Sorry. Gotta throw the daggers at someone, but no worries, you'll never know for sure.
Here's to a happier tomorrow!